But why do I feel so guilty?

I don't understand it! I used to die to have a boyfriend; feel like the world was ending if I was alone. But now I am "alone" and I love it...

....so why do I feel so backwards?

Am I feeling guilt for not wanting a guy? That's ridiculous, right? I don't need a guy, but more importantly, I don't need to WANT a guy, for my life to be whole. So many books, magazines and hoity-toity Hollywood trash are designed to make us feel like we need someone, so we'll spend money on looking good, going on dates, and condoms. Low self-esteem = money in the beauty stores pockets. We buy magazines on how to make men wants us and we blow huge wads of cash every Friday and Saturday prowling the bar/club/pub/whatever circuit, thinking Mr. Right - or at least Mr. Right-Now - is going to be there. But WHY?! Why should I have to be made to feel like I need to put in all this effort, with little to no reward, just because I don't have a man to solidify my self worth?

No. I'm free from that. I finally broke free from a man who made me feel like I was the most disgusting thing in the world and I'm done with all that! I don't NEED someone to make me feel beautiful - I have my mirror. I don't NEED someone to have a good time on a Friday night - I have my friends and family. Hell, I don't even need a man for the big O - I got my...well, you know!

The only thing I'd need a man for right now is to have kids. But I'm not trying to pop out no babies right here, so I'm good for at least 3 - 7 years.

So am I saying I'm giving up on men? NO! Not at all! I'm just saying I don't NEED a man. I'm fine and I don't want to feel bad about that. I like being able to take care of myself and go where I want to go, when I want to go.

No, the next time I fall in love, I will not NEED this man, I will enjoy his company and he will simply be my best friend. And I am so happy about this decision.

On a similar note, I don't think I would ever date another woman. I did, once, and she was special, and I never want to mar that memory by trying to force someone else to be as special to me as she was/is. I just hope she knows without me seeming creepy.

So...yeah. Sorry this got a little anticlimactic, I just needed to get that out there. Thanks for reading...or not. That's your call.

Have fun, children,

Hearts,

Joanna

I hope....

I hope to all Heaven that my ex finds this and realizes it's me and realizes that I hate him. He is worthless without me. That's right you alcoholic ass...you know you need me...and the best thing is...I don't think about you.

I don't think about you until SOMEONE ELSE brings you up. So yes. I don't need you! I hope that beer tastes good as you ditch what you claimed you loved.

I'm not bitter at all....

....Joanna

A new begining....

Well...well...well...here we go again!

I'm single...I'm getting ready to mingle...And I'm here to stay!

Ladies...watch your men.

Men...watch your self...

I take no prisoners!

Charge on!
~ Joanna!

Off Topic

Sometimes you never really know a person until you walk a mile in their shoes....or read their internet diary. Sometimes, maybe, you should be more compassionate for no reason, because you never know what's hiding behind brown eyes.

And sometimes, you shouldn't get so upset when someone challenges your opinion. No one likes it, but how do you know what you truly think unless you can defend it in the face of adversity.

And maybe, sometimes, people should walk more carefully around each other's hearts. Meanwhile, some should walk harder and with cleats.

And maybe, just maybe...I miss being poor. I miss struggles. And I miss Shit on a Shingle. It tasted like its name, but I had everything I ever needed sitting to my left.

Fuck you, $. And fuck this: <3.

Sometimes we're all better off with the face of the stranger.

All quirky salutations aside, have a good day, everyone.

~ Joanna

Love Stinks...or so the song says...

So I've been thinking! It's hard work being in a relationship. Everyone is different and brings different things and different neuroses to the table and it's hard to navigate the waters of a new relationship!

Like, seasoned relationships usually have all the kinks worked out...and brand new relationships are usually so new that people are blind to the problems, but there is that middle ground where you are unsure about everything and the biggest fights occur because you are trying to figure out boundaries and comfortable places. It's the part where you find out if this crush is truly love, or if it is just a beautiful summer fling that you tried for months and months to have, but he just wouldn't let you.

Yeah...yeah....that's where I am. It's hard, but I really, really think that Mr. Anonymous and I can work through it. I mean, dare I say it...the "L" word? I don't know, but I think I might just!!! Either way, it sucks right now because we're working out the kinks and the horrible shit that has happened to both of us in the past and GOD!!!!! is it hard and frustrating. But I think, if I do truly love him as I claim I do, that I can look past it, relax and learn to accept both of us for who we are!


On another note, my poor brother was dicked around by his girlfriend because she didn't have the fucking guts to break up with him. Thankfully, he got sick of being treated like yesterdays news and broke it off with her. In doing that, he found out she wanted to break up with him for a while, but I truly feel that he is the one who broke it off with her. It just sucks because he treated her like gold, when everyone else treated her like shit, and she prefers to be an afterthought notch in some douche bags bed, rather than a princess in the world of a man among men. Whatever. It's not my relationship; it just sucks that that whore is a bitch and I let her into my life. LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway kiddies, just keep your heads up. Fall seems to be the season where the summer flings are separated from the real relationships, and I'm just hoping to survive!!!

Here's to all our survivals!!!!

Hugs!!!

Joanna!

Dreams do come true!

Well, well, well, well, well.

My patients paid off! Mr. Anonymous and I have been OFFICIALLY boyfriend/girlfriend since May 20something. Yeah, I know the real date (because I'm a girl like that) but I'm not putting it on here because, you know, the whole ANONYMOUS thing. He he! But yeah - it's been almost 4 months of the best relationship so far (I mean, if you don't include the other 8 months of terrible relationship...but whatever...he learned and I'm doing really well!!!)

Still no job :(

I had one, but I ran into a medical problem due to something that happened in the past, and so I wasted a month of job searching. UGH!!! But I'm getting back on track. I had two last week. One went really well and the other went TERRIBLE! The interviewer had a problem with me because I was different from her. She tried to tell me I was racist and I was "in the wrong country". But forget her! I'm better than that!! I wanna go into social work because I care about ALL people. I'm sorry if she can't see that, but yeah, there's one job I'm NOT taking!!!

Other than that, all is good. We're gearing up for a big festival this weekend to celebrate our Green Heritage. I'm totally stoked!!! It's going to be a lot of fun, I hope. One friend is bringing two people that I don't know and I'm scared that they'll cause some trouble for my girlfriend who's house we're using. It's the first time we're going to her parents house without her parents and she and I are very worried. I'm just hoping that Mr. Anonymous will keep my crazy rainbow best friend in check (since they're best friends as well) and we can all have a relaxing weekend!

I'll give you updates come next Monday.

Look forward to it, kiddies!! I'M FUCKING BACK!!!!!

XO <3 XO
Joanna

We Only Live Once...

That's what everyone says a lot. But I've been thinking about it for the past four days or so. We only live ONCE, which means every day... will come and go, effortlessly and casually. But it will be one less day for me to reach for that goal, to sing that song, to watch the sunrise, to kiss the guy.

The truth is, I will be moving away from the Big City in a pursuit of higher (highest?) education at a very prestigious institution. It is a three year commitment and I will need to file for residency of that state to get 50% off my tuition for the next year. My goal has been set, I have laid out the next three years of my life before me. I am excited and nervous... and hesitant.

Why the hesitation? Because my life... is amazing right now. I don't have an exuberant amount of money.. and that is one of the reasons why I am going to graduate school - to advance in my career and to be able to afford more, but besides that, I am so happy. 2007 has been glorious so far and it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.

The most important reason for my hesitation is, believe it or not, Mr. Popular. This man treats me almost like a goddess. He's everything I've wanted... and previously I was able to find traces of potential in some guys... but this man epitomizes it all.

He is sweet, considerate, career-minded, intelligent, silly, and caring. He is not arrogant, pretentious or boring. He is hot as all hell. He's very into sports (and actually participating in them and not watching them like a couch potato), but also the arts and entertainment. He loves Laguna Beach without being a tool about it.... and in slightly less than 4 months I will be away from him.

Now I know, if we really want to make this work... if HE wants to make this work, I am willing to do my best. But realistically speaking, is it going to work? I don't know. I can't even be certain myself, so how can I say anything about him?

But for now... my mantra is that we only live once. There will only be one summer '07 in my life and I will be damned if I don't make it the best summer of my life.

With that being said, if Mr. Popular asks me to go away on a week-long vacation with him to the Caribbean, I will be very much inclined to say yes.


Something about this boy fascinates me
hes the type that likes to hang with the stars
The way he makes me feel and sedates me
who knew we would take it this far

-Jess