But why do I feel so guilty?

I don't understand it! I used to die to have a boyfriend; feel like the world was ending if I was alone. But now I am "alone" and I love it...

....so why do I feel so backwards?

Am I feeling guilt for not wanting a guy? That's ridiculous, right? I don't need a guy, but more importantly, I don't need to WANT a guy, for my life to be whole. So many books, magazines and hoity-toity Hollywood trash are designed to make us feel like we need someone, so we'll spend money on looking good, going on dates, and condoms. Low self-esteem = money in the beauty stores pockets. We buy magazines on how to make men wants us and we blow huge wads of cash every Friday and Saturday prowling the bar/club/pub/whatever circuit, thinking Mr. Right - or at least Mr. Right-Now - is going to be there. But WHY?! Why should I have to be made to feel like I need to put in all this effort, with little to no reward, just because I don't have a man to solidify my self worth?

No. I'm free from that. I finally broke free from a man who made me feel like I was the most disgusting thing in the world and I'm done with all that! I don't NEED someone to make me feel beautiful - I have my mirror. I don't NEED someone to have a good time on a Friday night - I have my friends and family. Hell, I don't even need a man for the big O - I got my...well, you know!

The only thing I'd need a man for right now is to have kids. But I'm not trying to pop out no babies right here, so I'm good for at least 3 - 7 years.

So am I saying I'm giving up on men? NO! Not at all! I'm just saying I don't NEED a man. I'm fine and I don't want to feel bad about that. I like being able to take care of myself and go where I want to go, when I want to go.

No, the next time I fall in love, I will not NEED this man, I will enjoy his company and he will simply be my best friend. And I am so happy about this decision.

On a similar note, I don't think I would ever date another woman. I did, once, and she was special, and I never want to mar that memory by trying to force someone else to be as special to me as she was/is. I just hope she knows without me seeming creepy.

So...yeah. Sorry this got a little anticlimactic, I just needed to get that out there. Thanks for reading...or not. That's your call.

Have fun, children,

Hearts,

Joanna

Recap

I'm running late.... no parking anywhere around the restaurant so I finally park a few blocks away and give him a buzz letting him know that I'm on my way.

That's okay. I'm being fashionably late. No worries.

Takes me a few minutes to find the restaurant.. It's tucked away on the second floor of an insignificant-looking building. The restaurant, on a contrary, is very modern looking, with slabs of glass spanning from its floors all the way up to the ceiling. The modern decor is almost too minimal and all the waiters and waitresses (and a hostess) are wearing dress shirts and sweatpants. Hmm... interesting combination. But then...

Wow. Is that really my date?
...
Wow.

An extremely attractive man in his early 20's sipping a drink instantly catches my eye. You know, the kind of man you eye up and down at a club and wish that he would come up and talk to you.

Wow. This is my date.

He turns around and notices me, smiles and we spit a few awkward first date greetings at each other, then he walks over to the hostess to let her know that we are finally here, but not before he says to me, "You look very nice by the way."

Damn, you have no idea how nice YOU look. Okay, shut up shut up shut up, Jess. Don't be a moron. I think you're blushing. Stop that.

We are seated in the back of the restaurant and as we engage in some conversation I feel the happy jittery feeling down in my stomach. I can't believe it. I'm actually excited and nervous. This guy is something else. He says to me that he thought this would be much more awkward since we only had one ten minute conversation at a bar last week. We don't know anything about each other and yet here we are, grinning at each other from across the table like fools.

After an absolutely enchanting dinner (yeah, enchanting... i can't believe i'm using this word either...) we head out for drinks to a Fancy Bar where as soon as I enter, the door girl asks me if I want to be in a Miss Fancy Bar contest. I politely decline but I mentally pat myself on the back because I know I'm impressing hmm.... let's call him Mr. Popular.

Now, to digress, I thought about what I want to call this guy in this blog. Mr. Frat Boy is already taken (he was a VP of intra-fraternal council at his college, that's why I thought of that), and besides it didn't really capture his essense fully. Like, my friend Frat Boy, he's just that a Frat Boy. But this guy is simply ________ (insert one of those gag inducing adjectives to describe amazing men here) Mr. Perfect was the second name that came to my mind, but I will withhold from using this name only because I withheld from gushing about Bears a few months back and I'm so glad I did cause he turned out to be a huge douchebag. But anywho.

I may not know how to read men AT ALL, but I'll tell ya this much, ladies - this man couldn't take his eyes off me. And while I'm sitting across from him, sipping my 16 dollar cosmo and look back at him, I think to myself:

I cannot find ANYTHING wrong with this guy. Gorgeous face, amazing body, smart as hell, funny beyond belief. You know, perfec.... okay okay, I'm rushing into things.

Our date ends at 1 because I have to leave "early" because I need to wake up early the next morning. We hug each other goodnight and then the next day.... he calls me. He had an amazing time, can't believe how smart and beautiful I am. Yadda Yadda.... I'm so totally falling for his bullshit it's not even funny. But, ladies..... what if.... it ISNT bullshit?

Oh boy, I'm in trouble.

Here's to a possibility of new beginnings,

-Jess

From Stalkers to Friends

I would like to tell you all about my friend Facebook Stalker. Now, he randomly friended me on a social networking web site Facebook.com about 8 months ago and at first I was VERY reluctant to talk to him. But I figured, why not, we had a few friends in common and we graduated from the same university. However, our messages to each other were brief and cordial and I really was not interested in meeting this guy though he offered more than a few times.

A few months in, he added me on Gchat, and I, began talking to him more, getting to know him better. He continually surprised me with his unique sense of humor, upbeat and unpretentious attitude and that general effortless aura of coolness. I began messaging him first, sometimes as soon as I got into work. Seeing that I was giving off a strictly-friends vibe, Facebook Stalker began dating his friend, Girl from Way Back. We both became comfortable in our friendship and began asking each other for advice: I complained to him about the whatever drama or men de jour in my life, and he gave me excellent advice, and of course, vice versa.

I came to respect this man, respect him as a person. And he said I made it near the top of his unofficial "coolest girls" list somewhere between me telling him about my love for zombie movies and me jokingly comparing him to Peter Keating - a character from a book we both happen to love.

I am now starting to like him. Sure, things with Shorty are still going superbly, but at the end of the day... he and I are not going to end up together. The Stalker and I, on the other hand, well... I don't know what is going to happen. But the fact is, he's been able to hold my interest for a longer period of time than any other guy out there, and that, kids, counts for something.

For now, I'm gonna leave it alone and just see what happens as it happens. I am way too preoccupied with graduate school and work anyway.

Oh, baby, it's alright now, you ain't gotta flaunt for me
If we go and touch, you can still touch my love, it's free

-Jess


EDIT EDIT EDIT: They split last night... and guess who was the first person he IMed? Yours truly, ladies... yours truly. So, he's single and available and of course i'm not gonna jump right in there because who wants to be a rebound girl? But.... you know... oh, you KNOW

Don't date your friends...just sleep with them!

So, this is going to be a quicky...but lets just say that one night a short while ago, I got tipsy with my GoodBoy friend and kissed him. Dated him for 5 days and had to call it quits because he was trying to evangalize me. And not only that...I couldn't stop thinking of Mr. Anonymous! Gah! He's too much. He's not the stand up guy I thought he was...but he's too sexy to forget.

Why did God make such sexy and temping men? Why?

On the upside of everything (because I still have not found a new job to keep my fly) I've been losing weight and looking fabulous! (Thought it's probably all from this job and relationship stress!!!)

It's not easy being a heartbreaker, but someone's got to do it!

Broken Hearts and Crimson Wrists...

~Joanna

You shouldn't marry for money unless you are very broke!

Well, not much on the love front, but I have some big news. I lost my job. I was laid off due to lack of work and am now struggling to find new employment. It shouldn't be hard. I'm a hard worker, with good skills and a likeable personality. But in the meantime, how am I stupposed to stay fly and pimp without any cash coming in?! I'm screwed!

In other news, Jess and I have come up with the perfect plan! I'm going to meet the lead singer of Fall Out Boy (SOME HOW?!) and force him to fall in love with me through my beauty and charms! Then, he'll introduce Jess to the lead singer of Gym Class Heros. She'll do the like to him, and we'll marry them both! Then we'll happily ever after living the rock star life while having husband-sanctioned affairs with georgous men the likes of Justin, Timbaland, the back up dancers for Christina Agulara, Jake Gillenhall, and many, MANY more!

Let's not forget our bigger brothers out there! To all the Chunky Chunks of the world: we love you long time!


Till next time, girls...keep your fingers crossed that love and money come my way...

... (a very broke) Joanna

Cupid's Chokehold

This weekend has been one of the most insane and outrageous of my entire life. It all started on Thursday with seeing JT in concert. Well, during the concert, Timbaland came out on stage (I was soooo psyched!) and did a whole set of awesome song mixes. Next day my good friend DJ did me the honor of hooking me up with the entire album even though it's not on sale yet. Way to go, love!

Friday. Friday, friday, friday... It's funny... it's taking me so long to remember what I did on Friday because this whole weekend has been a one long perfect blur. Nevertheless, on Friday we went to see this DJ (not my DJ) at the Gay Club. I have never seen one place that was soooo full of hipsters. There was this one absolutely gorgeous, hot, incredibly sexy gay man. Of course, he was there with his BOYFRIEND. Figures, right?

On Saturday, we went to the Exclusive Club that was open til 4 in the A.M. It was pretty much insane. The Frat Boy went with us and since we pregamed before the club (the admissions was extremely pricey and we didn't want to spend tons of money on drinks), he was smashed beyond belief when we walked into the club. Well, when Frat Boy gets drunk, he's all over EVERY GIRL HE SEES. Last time, we made out on the dance floor, but like I said before, that was done and over with. I am not revisiting that situation again. Well, needless to say, Frat Boy asks me if I want to dance so he can be all over me. I, ever so gently, place my hand on his shoulder and say, "Honey, I don't feel like dancing right now. You are ruining my game." I was, of course, half joking when I said that, but frankly, he was getting on my nerves, because yeah there were some cuties around that I wanted to talk to and yeah Frat Boy was kind of cock blocking.

Sunday, I had the second date with the Really Short Guy, aka Shorty. We went to some bar and knocked back a few and then headed over to his place for some movie watching. Okay. This is the part where I mention that Shorty has THE PERFECT APARTMENT. I mean, I would kill for that place. The view of the Big City was amazing. The lights, the skyline, everyting was perfect, as was the guy I was with. Why the hell is he short? That's his ONLY shortcoming. That, and his roommate. He's a total drama queen, but more on that later.

So we ended up watching Pirates of the Caribbean, Hollywoodland (where we totally missed the whole point of the movie), and a bit of Havoc which is just simply a hot piece of ass of a movie. I called it a night around 11:30 when I was like, "Shit, I really need to get SOME sleep before the work week starts." I really hope he fucks this up somehow.... I am falling for him a little bit. Just a little bit.

And finally, this is totally unrelated but here is what my cell phone says about me, apparently:
Samsung: Young women, career focused, success driven, fun seekers
Celebrities who have one: Leonardo DiCaprio, Allison Janney

Okay, that pretty much sums me up.

Call it love, or whatever you call it,
but everywhere I go I keep his picture in my wallet.

-Jess

Lest I Be the April Fool...

So I was watching the Today show the other day and apparently, we are not the only girls out there struggling to make some sense of this dating thing through public sharing! Apparently, there is a mass amount of blogs and vlogs out there that document the wonderful world of dating through a woman’s eyes.

They warned that it can come back to haunt you if you trash talk a man online. Well, that, my dears, is why ALLLLLLLL names have been changed! Even ours. You will never know us by name, where we live or who we’re really dating. Though I promise you, we’re not making any of this stuff up. It’s too crazy to be something dreamed up! Hehe!

So, today is April Fools day, but it is yet to be seen who the April Fool will be. I hope it will not be me, though I fear it may. You see, tonight, as friends only, Mr. Anonymous and I are supposed to be seeing a movie. The thing is, the last few times I have invited him to hang out with me in a non-date like situation (so as to make things more comfortable), he has ditched me, last moment. Sometimes, he does not even call. The one time, I called him 5 minutes before he was supposed to meet me to ask him a totally unrelated question, and he said he couldn’t come out. He wasn’t in the mood. C’mon! That’s so lame!! (And I’m sorry if I’ve already told you this, but I wanted to make sure everyone gets the point that Mr. Anonymous has turned into a Flaky McFlakerstein!)

Well, I have a feeling tonight will be a go, because 1) it was his idea, and 2) it’s not a club or a bar, it’s just a simple movie. But we’ll see! It is April Fools day, is it not? I just hope I’m not the one with 2 tickets and 1 broken heart. I mean, I know this isn’t a date, but friends can break your heart too! And while I’m not the best friend ever, my fear here is real and I’m not going to deny myself my true feelings. Have to be true to yourself first and foremost.

Let’s just hope I can keep my hormones in check, because while I know we’re just friends, that was never how I wanted things to turn out.

Oh well.

Happy April Fools!

…Joanna