With much experience and expertise that I have on going out to clubs
and bars and meeting new people, I've noticed that most men can be put
into specific categories. While there are a few good categories, let's
face it, most male club goers are sketchy. Therefore I've put together
a list of types of men that are to be avoided under any circumstances.
I've had the misfortune to meet many men from all of the below
categories (I know.. shoot me in the face, right?), and I will
probably meet many more of their likes. But without further ado, I
present to you...
9 Types of Men To Avoid When Going Out (or How Eliminate Dentourage
Out Of Your Life):
Mr. Tough Guy
So you meet a guy and he seems to be fairly into you. Hell, he might
even buy you a drink or two and if you're really lucky he might even
listen to what you have to say. But there's something wrong... no
matter how funny that story about you throwing up on the back of the
bus at three in the afternoon when you were sixteen all because you
had to prove to your friends that you could handle your liquor is, the
boy's lips don't even twitch. It seems that he doesn't KNOW how to
smile. He's got that stone cold look on his face like he's about to
tell you that his grandmother died. Beware, for you've just
encountered a Mr. Tough Guy. While he is semi-tolerable in some
situations (i.e. the bar scene is dead and you're bored out of your
mind) , and he most likely has a very good body since he works out
24-7, you should avoid him like herpes because once this guy has some
booze in his system, he will have the urge to get violent on the next
guy who eyes you up and down. And let's face it, who wants drama?
The Dellusional White Boy
If the man's idea of showcasing his dance moves to the rendition of
Sexy Back is doing the ghetto man's river dance, then guess what?
You've met the dellusional white boy. He thinks he's cool, he thinks
he's hip, he might even dress the part, but watch out because as soon
as he steps on a dance floor he will embarass you and you will never
be able to show your face at that place again. Let's be real here 80%
of white men can't dance, but about 60% of them think they can.
Newsflash: stay off the dance floor, honey, and let the pros get down
with it.
The Desperate Dancer/The Showoff
These two characters can go hand in hand. The Desperate Dancer dances
by himself because it is his last resort for picking us the ladies. He
doesn't have any game, his friends left a long time ago and he is
dancing the night away in furious silence, abandoned by everyone. He's
also probably sweaty. Stay away.
The Showoff is a great dancer and he damn well knows it. He's usually
surrounded by a circle of admirers, both male and female, who watch
him break it down on the floor. While I tend to have a weakness for
the Showoffs, it backfires on me every time I give in. Showoffs spend
all their time on a dance floor and they will not pay any attention to
you, save the occasional dry hump on the dance floor and he will not
buy you drinks because that involves walking away from the dance
floor.
The Conceited Bastard
Very hot model type. Definitely someone I would pursue except...
they're so into themselves you can tell from a mile away. He's got his
pink abercrombie shirt, tans at least 3 times a day, and bathes in
cologne. He will most likely have nothing to talk to you about and
while I'm not much of a talker at a dance club it would be nice if he
didn't have that "huh?" expression on his face ALL the time.
The Player Wannabe
He thinks he's God's gift to women, but in reality he's a nightmare.
You see him all around the bar/club, striking up conversations with
different women, suave smirk on his face; or dancing behind some poor
unsuspecting girl, gyrating his hips like he's the next Shakira. First
of all, a true player knows his game. He will maybe get the attention
of one or two girls, because he knows women don't like a man who has a
wandering eye. This wannabe though will flirt with anything that looks
his way. One thing is certain about him - he always goes home alone.
The Cheapo
AKA the guy who doesn't wear cologne. EVER. IN fact he probably is not
aware of such a product. And he also sweats, a lot and for no reason.
That equals greasy hair and sweaty hands. But then again he might also
be very thrifty and doesn't want to spend money on such
necessities.... right. Beware, because you will see him wherever there
are drink specials that night.
The Old Man River
Unfortunately there are always two of three of these at any given bar
on any given day. Whether they're dissatisfied with their wives,
desperate for attention or just trying to get drunk on a Wednesday
night - they're there. They're pretty obnoxious, especially if they're
drunk, but they're also pretty harmless and always willing to buy a
girl a drink. I tend to stay away from these sleazebags because, well,
why settle for a Volkswagen when you can have a Lexus.
The Clueless Guy
Even after you tell them no about a zillion time, whether it's a no to
a drink, a dance, or conversation, they don't take it for an answer.
My theory is: they think you're playing hard to get and they want a
guy to chase you. Weirdly enough, they all tend to be rather short and
they all wear striped shirts. Don't feel bad for them and dance with
them out of pity - that's what they're hoping for. Thir game plan is
to guilt a girl into dancing with them, and that... that just ain't
cool.
Mr. Shady
You know the type. There are tons of them at every club. They circle
the dance floor and eye you up and down silently as you shake your
money maker with your friends. I can't even begin to fathom what sick
perverted thoughts are going through their pathetic minds as they
practically undress you with their eyes. They drink pretty expensive
beer though. Their game plan is to lure a girl into their lair of
shadiness by getting them wasted on Coronas and Heinekens. They also
almost always seem to be "aspiring music producers about to make it
big." When you do make it big and when you lose that shady attitude
and that ugly oversized white shirt of yours that smells of Tide
Mountain Spring Freshness, give me a call. Until then, I'm rolling
with someone else.
The Pervert
He tells you like it is. He wants sex, he wants it ASAP and the dance
floor is just part of foreplay for him. He's the king of all
douchebags for even THINKING that any self-respecting woman will give
it up to him. The only kind of girl he can get with that act is a
cheap twenty dollar toothless whore from Quik-E-Mart across the
street, or perhaps a certain girl back from my high school with an
unhealthy obsession for Britney Spears.
Remember, there are many men out there. We just gotta separate the
good, the bad and the fugly.
Happy hunting,
-Jess
